Thoughts

I have been long in this state of limbo. It has been an adventure, and it has provoked much reflection. Though I feel stuck, much has changed. This time has been a cocoon, and I await what (or who) comes out of it.

I get the Buddhist principle of non-attachment, but I don’t know if I fully agree with it.

Sure, if you want nothing, you will avoid the suffering of loss and disappointment, but you will also miss out on the thrill of victory, the excitement of opportunity, and maybe even the passion of love. Even the word passion means suffering.

Instead of living, a bland life of denial, I think true enlightenment comes is embracing the highs as well as the lows. We must allow ourselves to feel the yearning of hope, and we need to appreciate the pain of disappointment. Embrace love and loss.

These experiences are the palette on the canvas of our one wild life; make something beautiful.

"You're delegating the work, not the judgment" - Anthropic
That is a good principle. I might add, you can't delegate the accountability either.

Faith and fear have in common that they believe something they cannot see.

Why do I do what I do?

I want to empower the individual. I want my work to free people to focus on what is important...what they enjoy. I will be successful when they can run their business from their phone on a beach.

My indecision and hesitance to commit is not a lack of desire or drive. It is borne out of too many desires and a fear of making the wrong decision.

I want to equip and empower people through education. AI has the potential for great good and great harm. It feels meaningful to try to help prevent people from being left behind.

Help me to see clearly, judge wisely, and act justly.

May I comport myself in a way that at any time I can step off this stage and call it a good show. I pray what is good and what is enjoyable align in my soul.

Do I have wisdom to share? Is there a market for that? Do I have to sell it to share it? To think I have wisdom to share feels arrogant.

I want to speak truth in love. I don't want to let fear of man prevent me from doing what is right. I want to live in the present while baring responsibilities.

Think slow to act rightly. Think fast to act effortlessly. The key is: to think slow often enough that the right behavior becomes an instinct and habit. Then, it becomes effortless and second nature.

I sometimes view people as liabilities instead of assets. But even an asset needs investment and takes time to appreciate.

I believe I am seeing people steeped in fear and distrust. I see people dividing the world into "us" and "them"s.

Anger can be a distraction from doing the hard work of reflection and forgiveness. Fear can be a distraction from doing the hard work of enacting change. Help me know when is the time to change my heart and when is the time to change my world.

I want to pursue success more than avoid failure. If I seek to succeed, I can fail 9 times out of 10, and that one success means I achieved my goal. However, if I seek to avoid failure, I can succeed 9 times out of 10, but that one failure means I didn't acheive my goal. I need to seek excellence not perfection.

ESM
Enjoyment, Satisfaction, and Meaning

Enjoyment is not just mere pleasure but a deeper experience formed by combining pleasure, people, and memory. Satisfaction comes from the effort & struggle behind achieving a goal. Meaning is the sense of purpose, significance, and coherence.

What does it mean to be a leader? "Return to growth." "Make America great again.". These strategies are looking backwards. I want to respect and learn from the past, but I want to focus on and move into the future.

Things are only as important as I make them. Classes, grades, even money only have the power I (and we) give it. Life is a game. We play it because we enjoy it. If enough people are not enjoying the game, perhaps we should reconsider the rules.

Asking for help seems vulnerable and shameful. I want to be driven by vision and reason not fear.

What does rest look like? What do I want? To be dissatisfied is to not get what you want, so clearly I must know what I want because I have identified that I am not getting it. Do I want competency? ...admiration? ...security? My actions will be driven by my desires. I want my desires to be more than for the bare necessities of life. Or should I question the premise? I want a rich and fulfilling life that is making the world a better place. Is that too easy an answer? It begs the conclusion. What is a "rich" life? What brings "fulfillment?"

It is dreary and cold outside. It is about to have a blizzard the likes of which we have not seen in a decade.

The infrastructure is crumbling; the institutions are decaying. There is a homeless man next to me sheltering from the rain. He has a discarded scratch-off lottery ticket.

What is the end game?

The world is a forge to build character. Who am I becoming? I need to ask more than, "what should I do;" I need to ask, "who do I want to be." I want to do more than just profess principles; I want to embody them.

Whether I overcome my challenges or not, they leave me a different person. I pray I may learn to play the game at a higher phase.

I don't have to be enough.

I feel anxious. I am limited. I have finite time, finite capacity. Everything in life is trade-offs, and my values are made manifest based on how I make those trade-offs.

I feel fear and anxiety that I won't be enough.

The point is not to live long; it is to live well. The past and the future are illusions; so no matter how long you live, when you die, you only ever lose the now, for the present is all we ever have.

The world is bat-shit crazy. It feels like we are headed for some kind of paradigm shift. I'm hoping it will look more like Star Trek than Mad Max, but I'm not convinced that is in alignment with human nature. We need to urgently do soul work before we start amplifying our manifestations. Will we be wizards or sorcerers?

I fear not just enduring hardship, but being made complicit in it. May I love my people well.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Let's translate this to my ontology. Strength is the body or physical realm. It is our atoms and actions. To a materialist, this is all there is (or at least all that matters). Heart and mind are our emotions and thoughts or our psychological realm. This is what I personally like to call the soul. These are all really mental processes at differing degrees of consciousness. I would also lump memories in there. Controversially, I may have to lump consciousness in there as well. Soul (as referenced, distinct from mind and heart) is what I would call the spirit. The spirit derives from God and lives on after we are gone. I propose this is the information realm. I don't feel like going into the full thesis here, but suffice it to say it is the non-corporeal (eg. as a "file" on a disc or a tape drive are the same "thing") and eternal parts of us.

Is my focus on health and nutrition preparation for aging or resistance to it? What does it look like to embrace my current life stage? I look back, and I have regrets. How is it possible that I pushed so hard yet left my life half lived? I think I let fear rob me.

True humility begets the most profound confidence. When my worth is based on my abilities, I either can (and become proud) or cannot (and become shamed); however, when my worth is founded on what God can (and does), then nothing can threaten my value.

This morning I'm wrestling with the idea of "loving my false self / shadow." I completely understand we need to accept our shadow, otherwise how could we address it and face its impact, but to "love" it would seem to be to approve of it, condone it, and even to appreciate it. That seems a stretch at best and wicked at worst. I think it is because I conceptualize these parts as characteristics, behaviors, and habits, like vices. I don't view them as persons or potentially even parts of myself. Let's take the easier case of "parts of myself.". Do I believe God loves me? ... all of me? ... even these parts of me? Then do I believe my standards higher, my judgments more just, to deem unlovable what God loves? In the same way I am commanded to love my enemy, can I love this part that works against my intentions and well-being?

God, help me to see, face, and accept reality as it is. Amor fati. I have been given the gift of choice. Let me craft the life I want to live.

I will accept what happens as if from the hand of my loving Father.

I don't want to be delusional, desperately finding meaning in a tea cup.

May I see clearly, judge justly, and walk courageously.

Do I ask questions because it gives me the benefit of the illusion of being profound without the risk of having to commit to anything?

Sometimes to see movement, you have to be still.

Life is the journey.

Suffering and sin is the flip-side of the gift of consciousness and free-will.

What is free-will? Do we really have it? Perhaps it is more accurate to say freedom. Is it free-choice that we have? ... the right to choose "right from wrong" ... or the right to choose "right or wrong".

I don't think I am very good at listening to God. I do a lot of talking. I would like to believe He directs my thoughts, but perhaps I'm just afraid if I shut up I will find noone on the other line.

The Word my be a lamp unto my feet, but it doesn't shine very far down the path.

Use things; love people; worship God. Don't get those mixed up.

Don't consume more than I want. Don't acquire more than I can consume. Enjoy what I have.

Unbearable beauty...sometimes the sights, and sounds, and smells are so intense it almost feels like pain; just as a warm bath may feel scorching if your body is too long in the cold.

Leaders paint a compelling picture of a better tomorrow and then invite others into it.

It is a miracle that humans can communicate at all. It should be no surprise to me that I often misunderstand my wife despite the fact that we share the same/similar language, time, culture, and lived experience. Anyone who claims to believe the "plain reading" of the bible, a book written millennia ago over the course of hundreds of years by dozens of authors in various countries, languages, and cultures, is only deluding themselves.

I think a part of me doesn't like IFS because personifying and externalizing a part of myself feels like I'm trying to shirk responsibility and ownership for that part of me. It IS me. It is my mind. Yes, I can have competing interests and conflicting desires, but it doesn't mean I have separate identities in me.

I watched Grave of the Fireflies. It is equally heart-warming and tragic. It touches a deep part of my soul that grieves the loss of innocence.